10 cardinal sins of fashion

There’s an exception to every rule. If you have a mental illness, were late for work, or just don’t give a shit–you can exclude yourself.

1. Socks with sandals. One of the things I’m trying to get my mother to stop doing. Believe it or not, I did this as a child with Tevas, but Birkenstocks would be even worse. Just don’t do it. If you must wear socks, wear sneakers, please! Sock-tans aren’t cute!

2. Visible undergarments of any kind. There are too many options available to have your stuff showing through in any major way. White shirt equals a nude bra, not a white one. And don’t get me wrong, a little peek-a-boo action can be sexy, but I mean little. A bra strap, a sliver of thong (both which should match the rest of your outfit). However, no one should be seeing the cups of your bra, or a “whale tail;” if they do, you look like a skank. VPL (Visible Panty Line) is also in this category, especially when bulging is involved. It’s just not attractive.

3. Crocs. Those awful, foam-rubber, brightly colored, ventilated clogs that everyone is wearing. Including small children. I might love you, but I don’t love your Crocs. Maybe for garden shoes, but I see people in these everywhere. They appall me. Just wear flip-flops! They are so ugly!

4. Fake designer bags. Call them knockoffs, call them imitations, replicas–they’re just fake. And more than likely, you look like a cheap ass poser. (Sorry.) If you can’t afford a real Coach bag, why are you carrying a fake one? It totally defeats the purpose. Not being a big label/logo whore myself, I’m more apt to carry a bag that’s just cute and matches my outfit. Remember the Louis Vuitton Murakami craze 3 years ago? They’re so passe now but every so often you’ll see some poor woman still carrying hers. Either she spent her savings on it or she just hasn’t a clue. Logo bags aren’t that original and fake logo bags are even worse.

5. Horrifying, inexcusable clashing. At least try not to do black and dark brown, or black and navy. Those inexcusable skinny-striped bags that go with nothing. Multiple florals, stripes, dots–you get it. Your mother should have taught you. Don’t be lazy, switch your purse. Find shoes that match. It’s not that difficult.

6. Pajamas in public. I’m not talking cute, Victoria’s Secret PINK sweats. I’m talking Tweety Bird PJs from Wal-Mart eight years ago and you’re out buying shit. Please put some sweats on, at least. Preferably nice-looking ones, but come on. I don’t care how lazy you are, when did people decide it was okay to just walk around looking dumpy like they just got out of bed? If you’re that cathartic, you probably shouldn’t be leaving the house anyway.

7. Holiday sweaters. Enough said.

8. Clothes that don’t fit or flatter. Find your size. There is nothing worse than ill-fitting clothing. When in doubt, cover yourself. It doesn’t mean wear a tent, either. Invest in some good shapewear and wear clothes in your size, and it will do a body a world of good. And of course, black is always slimming.

9. Mom jeans: High-waisted, pleated, tapered leg and baggy thighs, maybe even an elasticized waist…there has never been, nor will there ever be, anything chic or cute about these fashion horrors.

10. Popped collars. Just the thought of someone trying so hard to be “preppy” disturbs me. Who cares? Polo shirts are well and good (preferably Lacoste, Abercrombie & Fitch, or Ralph Lauren) but popping the collar is unnecessary and looks flat-out ridiculous, no matter who you are. The person I was completely in love with once came to my house with his collar popped, and I wanted to shut the door in his face. I have a serious problem with this. It was never cool, and if you’re still doing it, you’re even less cool.